Many often question what influence parents really have over their children’s attitudes and behaviours as they grow up, and while there are several other factors involved, behaviours picked up from parents are often some of the most influential in shaping a child’s development. From a young age - even when you might not notice - your children are watching and processing everything you do and say.
Of course, you can encourage certain behaviours using reinforcement and punishment methods, but what you naturally do, especially when you think they're not watching, is often what shapes their behaviours the most. After all, you’re their biggest hero - or villain on a bad day - but whether they communicate it or not, you’re their role model and someone they look up to. Although your actions and behaviours are crucial to their development, you too can’t be perfect all the time, so there are other methods and techniques used to encourage certain behaviours in young children.
But what are the behaviours and attitudes that are most beneficial for young children to develop? There are thousands of different skills, both social and academic, that you might consider important, and unfortunately, you can’t guarantee all of them. In this article, we will look at confidence and independence specifically. Why? Confidence is an important trait to have at any age, as it encourages you to reach more challenging goals and reduces the influence of anxiety. Independence, on the other hand, builds self-confidence and creates opportunities for problem-solving and learning. In this article, we will discuss how to raise confident and independent children.
Encourage New Activities & Experiences
It’s no secret that children enjoy predictability. They know what they love, and what they don’t, and often these preferences stick with them as they grow older. The problem with only ever experiencing these favoured activities and experiences is that children can start to perceive other experiences negatively, without ever trying them. They start to build a comfort zone around these choices, and anything that sits outside of it can start to feel scary and uncomfortable. Even as adults, every day we use and refer to our comfort zones - mostly without even realising. You could say they’re what makes us, us, but you could equally argue that they're biased and based on previous experiences that aren’t representative of reality. Whatever your opinions of comfort zones might be, it's important to recognise that we need them, even if they exist solely to challenge.
Encouraging your children to try out new hobbies and activities, outside of those that they’d choose first, can be hugely beneficial to their self-confidence. It’s easy and effective to start with encouraging them into a new sport or physical activity at a young age, as they can try it out with their friends or in a comfortable environment like at school. Sports and hobbies can be expensive at a young age, and your children mustn’t overdo the number of activities they're involved with at a young age, which is why participating in a variety of sports is a great way to allow them to have a go at everything. For children that are less interested in sports, why not try organising a new after school activity that’s creative and they can involve friends with too.
So what do new activities and experiences have to do with self-confidence? As a parent, it’s easy to view confidence as something that some people are lucky enough to be born with, and others without. In fact, confidence is a trait that is learnt, and can be developed by anyone. It comes from trial and error, and can take time to progress. When kids test out a new activity that they’ve never tried before, especially one that they were initially reluctant to try, slowly they improve their self-confidence as they are encouraged to believe that they are capable of doing something they dislike or fear. They may also discover strengths in their skills and ability through these new activities that they never would have discovered otherwise.
Set Goals
Setting goals can be easily brought into your family's routine as it can be tailored to everyday tasks throughout your week, making them easier to set up and track. Setting your children's goals delegates responsibility to them and often encourages them to be more focused on and motivated by the task they’ve been set. Let’s not forget that we’re talking about energetic and easily distracted young children here; where there’s a task set, there has to be a reward. Start by setting them a small task which they have to complete every morning. It could be packing up their own lunch box, or setting their bed before coming down for breakfast. It’s good practice to choose something simple and easily achievable to start with; this way they’re more likely to stick with it and not feel demotivated in the first instance. Then, choose a desirable reward to attach to the task they’re responsible for. It doesn't have to be letting them indulge in an ice cream for pudding every time, as this isn’t a sustainable reward because it's unhealthy to consume in large amounts. Here are some ideas of rewards you can choose:
- An extra hour of screen time after school
- A sleepover with a friend at the weekend
- Watching their favourite film together
- A meal out at their favourite restaurant
- Letting them choose poster prints of their favourite movie or film star which they can decorate their bedroom with
Another good idea to allow you to keep track of their progress is to organise a sticker tally or jar system, where a gold star or marble is added each time their task is complete. This way, you won’t be required to think of a different reward every day, and instead you can set a bigger reward like a trip to a water park, once they reach a certain number of stars and marbles.
Embrace And Normalise Mistakes
No one likes to fail or make mistakes; it’s hard to let go of even as you mature. But in children especially, failing can feel like the worst thing in the world, and it’s your responsibility as a parent to make mistakes feel a little less terrifying. Luckily, mistakes as a young child are inevitable, and there will be plenty of opportunities to change how they perceive mistakes, whether it’s regarding sports, schoolwork or friendships. When the time comes, and your child gets upset after a mistake they’ve made, prioritise staying calm and praise their efforts over the result. You may want to highlight positive skills they have demonstrated in the process of failing and explain why these are equally as important. Above everything, you should encourage positive self-talk in your children by motivating them to see their mistakes in a different way. In the same way that we discussed the importance of your own actions and behaviours as a parent earlier in the article, the same applies when it comes to embracing failure. You too should take your own mistakes and errors on board, instead of shouting things like ‘I’m such an idiot’ when they’re in the room next door.
Being consistent with the methods and techniques we’ve discussed in this article will improve your child's capabilities to be independent and have confidence in everything they do. It might take time, and progress may appear slow, but you will notice an improvement, and in the process you can improve your own independence and self-confidence too.